But it’s not all doom and gloom, and out of a famine some fortunate expectant dads experience a feast, with a small percentage of expectant mums experiencing a heightened interest in sex, or no change whatsoever in their sexual drive during their pregnancy.
Your partner’s sex drive will yo-yo depending on what trimester she is currently in. She may spend a lot of the first trimester suffering from morning sickness making her feel less attractive and desirable, and, less likely to engage in any form of sexual encounter, with the second trimester bringing in a renewed energy and an increased desire for sex. However her sexual interest may wane again within the final trimester as childbirth nears and her body is at full capacity.
Expectant dads themselves may also experience changes in their own libido throughout their partner's pregnancy. It is understandable to have anxieties and mixed emotions about becoming a father for the first time, the financial worries, the feeling that you may no longer be the number one in your partner’s life, or that you may have sacrificed a degree of freedom that you may have had when it was just the two of you.
A large proportion of expectant dads fear that engaging in sexual intercourse may hurt the baby, or may even be self-conscious about making love in the company of your unborn child - not the type of threesome you were hoping for!
Every new dad-to-be worries about sex and hurting the baby, but sex will NOT hurt the baby. Simply put, you could be of Dublin Spire proportion...well you get the message! Rest assured your baby is safe within a cushioned amniotic fluid-filled sac and unless you're having very rough sex (did you before you got pregnant?); you have ‘almost’ no chance of injuring anyone but yourselves! In fact, in many cases, the motion of having sex will rock your baby off to sleep.
“Some men have these misconceptions about sex during pregnancy, like that he might hurt the baby or that the tip of his penis will knock up against the foetus - it won't. Some are afraid that their partner isn't in the mood, and they don't want to be too demanding. Others have trouble seeing their pregnant partner as a sexual being, or are suddenly seeing her as the mother of his child, which makes sex feel more taboo” says Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright, relationship expert, sex columnist for Cosmopolitan and co-author of ‘Your Orgasmic Pregnancy: Little Sex Secrets Every Hot Mama Should Know’.
A lot of expectants dads feel closer to their partner during pregnancy than ever before, the fact that they can create a living thing makes ‘man’ feel all powerful and masculine!, and this closeness is often expressed in a physical way. For some, sex during pregnancy can be exciting - need I say bigger breasts? But for other men, it's literally a no-go area with some men finding the physical change a big turn off. For this band of lesser mortals may I remind you that this is after all the mother of your unborn child!
“Be supportive, even if you're not in the mood, as turning down sexual opportunities may have her more sensitive than normal. Explore other ways to satisfy her beyond intercourse if you're not always in the mood” adds Dr. Fulbright.
The way you have sex will also have to change - you may have to try new positions, especially during the last few months of the pregnancy as your partner may find the missionary position rather uncomfortable (bump) or too painful (tender breasts).
The following are the recommended sexual positions expectant couples can adopt in ensuring a safe and easy sexual experience:
• It is best to try lying on your sides, either facing each other or by spooning (rear entry position).
• The woman on top is also said to be the most comfortable of all as it puts no weight on your partner’s abdomen and allows her to control the depth of penetration.
• Enter from a sitting position - with you seated and her straddling your lap, so she has her feet on the ground and can control depth of penetration and pressure on her body.
• On her hands and knees, a good position for pregnant women because of the lack of pressure on her abdomen though some women find this difficult at the very end of pregnancy.
By all means experiment and find exactly what technique you and your partner are most comfortable with. When you're trying to think of a good position, try it, if it doesn't work, then stop. If sex proves to be uncomfortable, it is essential to your relationship that you maintain physical contact with each other exploring other options for non-sexual closeness.
“Couples should strive to maintain sexual intimacy that doesn't necessarily require all-out intercourse. This can involve sensual massages, bathing together, and cuddling. The goal should be to cultivate physical touch which acts as support for her and which nurtures the emotional bond both need in feeling closer than farther apart at this time” says Dr. Fulbright.
If sex toys are part of your normal sex life, there should be no reason to stop using them if you have a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy. Special precaution, however, must be taken with regard to any sexual activity involving anal intercourse, ensuring that the penis, or any other object for that matter, is not inserted into the vagina afterwards.
It is generally considered that oral sex is not dangerous during pregnancy (especially for men!), however there is one exception - don't blow air into the vagina as this could cause an air embolism (blocked blood vessel) that could endanger your partner and the baby. Also, if your partner tastes ‘different’ don’t panic – pregnancy hormones can alter the taste and scent of the vagina.
There are some important circumstances, however, when you and your partner may be advised not to have intercourse.
• A history of miscarriages.
• Unexplained bleeding, stomach cramps or discharge.
• Premature contractions that might indicate an early delivery (or indeed if your partner has a history of pre-term babies).
• Multiple pregnancies (with twins, triplets or more) sex can be safe in early pregnancy, but first check with your health-care provider.
• Placenta Praevia - a condition where the placenta lies low in the uterus, blocking all or part of the cervix.
• Placenta Abruption - in which the placenta prematurely separates from the uterine wall.
• You or your partner having an active sexually transmitted disease (in which case having sex will more than likely transfer this to the baby).
• Incompetent cervix - in which the cervix dilates prematurely and can’t “hold in” the foetus.
• Serious uterine irritability or preterm uterine contractions.
• Rupture of the amniotic membranes or leaking of amniotic fluid.
Following the birth there are various issues surrounding post pregnancy sex. The inevitable demands of looking after a new baby who constantly requires feeding, changing and who has a tendency to sleep and wake when he / she wants to; for new (exhausted) parents sex is the last thing on your mind. Notwithstanding too the impact that the birth may have had on your partner’s body or the concerns you may both have with regard to getting pregnant so soon again.
Your partner is best placed to know when the time is right. Re-engaging in sexual activity can be for many new parents compared to having sex with each for the very first-time. There will certainly be an element of anxiety and apprehension which is acceptable, but try to remember what has got you both here in the first instance, these are not unchartered waters, and maintaining a healthy sex life should be of paramount importance in your relationship.
