When I think of lingerie I immediately conjure up the episode when Father Ted is out Christmas shopping with Dougal and accidentally wanders into what turns out to be the largest lingerie section in the country. Ted potters about worrying that there will be a scandal if they are discovered, and desperately trying to find the exit runs into several other priests, with Ted ultimately leading their escape in an unusually heroic fashion.
Understandably these ‘delicate’ items are bought more over the Valentines period than at Christmas. But what is it with us men and lingerie? Naturally we do of course love it, but for most of us we are hopeless at buying it, that’s if we can bring ourselves to buy it in the first place. What’s on the floor of the lingerie department of M & S that we men find so fascinating and nerve-wrecking!? And why is that man running away – is he a knicker thief? – This would certainly explain his shiftiness and sweating. No, this is a normal everyday guy well outside of his comfort zone, his comfort zone being the floor down with the power tools and rugby shirts!
On visits to these departments with our lady pals they take great joy in enacting some kind of sweet revenge in the one place that they can, by simply holding up over their heads a pair of almost material-less pants and saying (shout!): ‘Are these the ones you like love?’, though if you are the one in the relationship that is gifted with the last word I would suggest you retort – ‘have they REALLY got them in your size pet?’
There comes a time, however, when ‘a man has gotta do what a man has gotta do’ and that is: to go it alone, to go into no man’s land and flick through the satins, sheers and silks. To queue with said items, to lift his head up and engage the sales clerk, to avoid saying ‘what do you think – of course I need a bag’ (and one with blackout lining if you please). With this in mind, here are some helpful hints in buying lingerie, once you are armed with the necessary knowledge it may even assist you in making a quick but fruitful exit, or on the other hand may help you in filling out an application form for Ann Summers:
Size Matters: Look in her underwear drawer - you need to know the right size. When buying lingerie for a significant other, it's good to know her likes and dislikes about her body - so be sensitive! Under-wired, padded or natural? Your beloved’s underwear drawer will tell you what sort of bra is best for her bust.
‘Her’ Preference: What does “she” like? Ask a sister or her best friend (if you are that brave!). Think about her personal style. What is she comfortable in? ‘Apparently’ if a woman isn't comfortable she will not be confident and therefore won't feel sexy. Is she the sporty type? Glamorous? Practical or perhaps she already has an entire lingerie wardrobe, you lucky...!
‘Help Me I’m in the Knickers Department: Don’t be afraid to ask for help from sales assistants, but never ask them to try things on for you - that’s just too cheeky! Recently the British retailer, John Lewis, held "lingerie academies" at selected stores during which the underwear departments were transformed into a macho oasis with beer, plasma screens and Nintendo Wiis, and of course specialists were on hand to deal with advice on unmentionables for the now at ease man.
Consider Softer Options: Opt for items that are much more forgiving than underwear in the fit department, e.g. a dressing gown / teddy in a quality silk or satin, and be sure to check the returns policy and keep the receipts.
No-No Words: Avoid anything with the word "control" in the name or description. Shaping garments do not make flattering gifts. Don’t ever buy her knickers that offer “support” or “tummy control”.
Quality Counts: So buy the best you can afford. Lingerie is one of the more personal gifts you can give; it ranks right up there with jewellery. Factor in presentation, there's nothing better than a well-presented beautifully packaged gift - think thong in a hat box! Be label-savvy. Stella McCartney, Prada, Donna Karan, Dolce & Gabbana, John Galliano and Christian Dior are just some of the leading designers who have lingerie collections.
Colours: Black and sheer may be the no. 1 preference of most men, but think about the colours she wears the most, and go from there, and always buy a matching set.
Hit the Net: There are lots of specialised lingerie web sites available for those men who still feel a little at odds about going to a “live” store.
Finally, keep it Simple: Just because it looks good on the model perched in the front window or on the image on the site doesn't mean it will translate well to your better half (ouch!) and if all else fails, a gift voucher will always be gratefully received, at least that way she gets want she wants and you get to stay well away whilst still benefiting from the final purchase.
